One of the good things about lemmy is that I’m positive my friend won’t find this post.
Hey lemmy. My best friend and I have been close since we met back in high school, circa 2002. We lived a few blocks away from each other, kept in touch across the country during college, and even lived together for a few years after college. We’ve traveled overseas together, been through many break ups together. She was a solid rock for me when my fiance and I had a traumatic split 4 years ago.
She got married legally two years ago, and their wedding is finally happening this upcoming spring. I’ve been so excited along with her. We’ve talked our whole friendship about being there for all the fun stuff for our weddings, and I’ve been doing all the maid-of-honor stuff since she asked me to be hers.
She was initially depressed about dress shopping since she assumed no one would be able to go, including her mother, who has really bad travel/directional anxiety. We’re all in different states.
I asked her why she would even think that I wouldn’t fly out to go dress shopping with her, since we’ve been talking about it for ages, and I love clothing shopping! She said she thought I’d be too strapped for cash, but I’d been saving up for her wedding stuff, so it’s not an issue. We set the date for November and a she invited another long-distance friend from high school and I’ve been looking at tickets to get out there.
Anyway, I was planning to reach out to her mom and fly in to her state to fly with her to my friends state so she wouldn’t have to worry about making her way there with all her anxiety, but today I got a message from my friend. Her mom and stepdad are visiting her area this weekend for an extended family member’s birthday, and she and her mom decided they would “pre-look” at wedding dresses today, “just to get an idea of whats out there” and wanted to know if I’d feel left out if they did that.
My heart sunk when I got the text, because I knew that her mom probably was trying to combine dress shopping for this trip so she wouldn’t have to take another trip out again so soon. I messaged back saying no I wouldn’t feel left out, but did that mean dress shopping in November was canceled? She said no, that it was still on. I was a bit relieved, but still worried. I gave the okay, because of course I can’t say no, that would be supper immature and inappropriate.
Of course, she found a dress she wanted, and I was left out of the whole experience. She video called me at one point for a very short while, and sent me photos, and I tried my best to be happy and give good advice and opinions, but it’s not the same, and I wasn’t part of most of it. (She didn’t go for any of my advice, but I’m not hurt about that - video and photo representation isn’t the same, and my advice might have been totally off from what I would have said in person.)
Anyway, here’s the thing: this isn’t my wedding. My feelings don’t matter. I realize this in my rational mind, but I’m still incredibly hurt. I definitely wanted to be there for these types of moments for her wedding.
I pretended not to be hurt though, because I really don’t want to stress her out in any way when it comes to her wedding. I don’t want in any way to be someone she looks back on and remembers as a source of stress or drama during this event. I realize that her mother brought up the idea and pressured her to do so because of her own travel anxiety, and I’m not mad at my friend for jumping at the chance to look at dresses with her mom when she could - just in case her mom pulls out of organized plans last-minute. I’m incredibly close to my mom, so I’d definitely want her there when it’s my turn. I get it.
Still, I’m hurt. I just don’t know of I should tell her so, or if I should keep pretending I’m okay. What’s done is done, she has her dress. Is there any point in bringing up my feelings at all? Or should I just swallow it all up and hope I work through the hurt privately somehow? I don’t like hiding my feelings and lying to her, but I feel like telling her would do more harm than good.
If you’ve gotten this far, I appreciate it.
At the risk of getting downvoted, I’m going to be very blunt.
You are way too emotionally invested in her wedding.
Maybe this is how the two of you vibe and I guess that’s fine. But I see a bit for co-dependency going on here.
It’s totally OK that she went wedding dress shopping with her mom. She would have invited you too, but the logistics didn’t work out, so this was also totally OK. She sugar coated it for you, but if you had a more healthy relationship, she wouldn’t need to sugar coat it for you.
It would also be totally OK if nobody was available to go wedding dress shopping and you turned up. That’s a solid friend thing to do. But that act wasn’t needed, since her mom was there, and that’s OK.
You’re still invited to the wedding and you’re even maid of honor. The rest really is nice to have, but not that important.
Not to mention, bride STILL included OP in dress shopping, as best she could, given circumstances. I honestly struggle to put myself in OP shoes, admittedly, because I don’t understand why they would ve so invested in someone’s else’s dress shopping. However, from an outside perspective, bride was doing the best she could, with what she had, and she clearly thought enough of OP to TRY.
Yeah, I’m not at all trying to claim that what she did wasn’t okay. Like I lay out in my post, I realize that she wasn’t intentionally trying to upset me, just that it did upset me.
I’m not sure what you think she sugar coated. She sent both me and the other friend she’d originally invited the same message, and there wasn’t any information to sugar coat. She straight up told us the information of what was going on. So unless we have different understanding of what that term means, I don’t think that’s what was going on.
I’m struggling against pushing back on the “I’m too emotionally invested” part, though I do think maybe I’m overly sensitive in general when it comes to close friends of mine. She and I have had a long friendship where we’ve talked out many issues of us hurting each other every now and then.
To be clear, my issue is whether or not I should bring it to her attention that my feelings were hurt. After taking some time to think it over, I do feel I did the right thing by keeping quiet about my hurt. I won’t bring it up at all, unless it’s years down the road and no longer a possibility of causing her sadness or guilt over it.
That’s the sugarcoating. “Pre-looking” isn’t a thing.
She couldn’t just say “hey friend, Mom is in town and we have some time to go wedding dress shopping!” and you couldn’t respond “Awesome that your mom came through, hope you find your dream dress!”.
That’s how it would work between me and my friends.
So, I know that you’re speaking from a place of wanting to help, but you don’t know my friend, or her mother, and I can absolutely tell you that “pre-looking” for lots of things is a thing for my friend, and that it’s something her mother would say to her. For example, she told me she was “pre-looking” at colleges way in advance before actually looking, then made a list of pros and cons of overall things she liked and disliked. Then a year later. Went back to those colleges as well as others with her list to compare if she still felt the same about them. Is that technically all “looking?” Of course it is. But in my friends’ POV, there’s a difference, and always has been.
She could have said the other phrase, and I would have absolutely replied the way you laid out, even if I would have felt otherwise.
I’m sorry you lack the emotional intelligence to realize that people are different, and that my friend is different than your friends who don’t think like she does or do things she does.
Thank you for replying to my post though, truely.
Lol, now your accusing me of having low EQ.
No, I don’t think we could be friends IRL.
Lady, I’m not trying to help. I’m just an internet stranger giving my take on a situation based on the information received.
If “pre-looking” is an established term between you and your friend, you sure didn’t present it as such.
Good luck with the wedding though. Hope it goes well for the both you
Uh, thanks, but I didn’t offer? Lol. But again, thanks for your take. And yeah, I think it will go really well, I’m very excited for it.