Disclaimer: I have no quarrel with the mods using the term in the creation of this community. I understand why they chose it, as even if they share my disagreement with the term when applied to ADHD, there’s not really a better inclusive term. “Mental illness” is really the only other option, and naming a community that would probably invite darker discussions that the mods might not be prepared to handle.
Another disclaimer: I think the term is perfectly valid when applied to autism, as autism is not, to the best of my knowledge, a mental illness so much as a difference in processing. Being autistic is only “bad” in the sense that our society discourages autistic traits. (Apologies if this is wrong; I’m neither autistic nor especially knowledgeable about autism.)
The term “neurodivergent” implies that there’s nothing wrong with you if you have ADHD–you’re just special and different. But my ADHD is an illness that requires treatment. A lot of people will tell you that the only reason ADHDers struggle is because society is set up wrong, but I don’t think that’s true, at least for me. Being unable to remember anything, unable to self-start, and hypersensitive to rejection would be massive problems in any world. Sure, the world today is particularly brutal for ADHDers in a way we could probably mitigate if we reorganized society to be kinder, but that doesn’t mean ADHD isn’t ultimately a disorder that some people need to treat with medication and therapy.
I’m not necessarily saying that ADHD doesn’t come with benefits. I’m just saying that, for me at least, my ADHD’s shittier aspects undermine the benefits it gives me.
For example, I’m quite creative. But I don’t create much. Why? Executive dysfunction. I’ve wanted to be a writer my entire life. But I just don’t have the discipline (or executive function, call it what you want) to make it work. I’ve had the same novel idea for a long time. Wanna know how many words I’ve written? Zero. I’ve got a bunch of scattered, sometimes contradictory notes about the characters and setting, but I can’t make myself sit down and compile it all, let alone plot out a coherent story. I’ve tried writing without planning or outlining beforehand, and it works insofar as it gets words onto the paper, but at the end of it I’m left with a disaster that needs copious editing and no energy or interest in doing it.
I wrote a couple novels when I was a teenager. They will never see the light of day because after writing them, I never got around to making them into something decent, and now I’m no longer interested in the projects.
Even on meds, I just lack whatever it is normies have that makes them select a project or skill to work on and then follow through with it until they’re satisfied. The one and only creative thing I’ve ever been able to stick with is crochet, and even then, I took a six-month break from it and only picked it back up on a whim. And I only stick with crochet because it’s easy and mostly thoughtless; I won’t be able to do consistently anything that requires sustained mental effort, especially sustained mental effort.
Admittedly, I probably could write more consistently if I had some kind of outside force making me, but where do I find that? I both need structure and avoid it at all costs because it feels so suffocating. I could maybe get an accountability buddy, though I hate having to be accountable, but I doubt that would be enough. I fear the hell out of failing out of school, but if my dad doesn’t sit down with me and help me study, I just won’t do it half the time. Even with the meds. Even knowing my future depends on it. Even as a 27-year-old adult. Even knowing my dad is paying good fucking money to send me to school. My brain simply hates doing things. Hell, I even procrastinate on things I love.
What good is a writer who doesn’t write? I know I’m worth more than what I produce, yes. But still. The world could have my works, but it probably never will, and that depresses the hell out of me.
And none of this is even touching on rejection-sensitive dysphoria. RSD makes normal life events like breakups and failure into soul-crushing catastrophes. I’ve tried repeatedly to kill myself in part because RSD ensures things that happened years ago still hurt just as sharply as they did in the moment. There are some things I will simply never get over, and I just have to learn to numb the pain enough to keep living. Call ADHD a gift all you like, but the truth is that a healthy person’s brain should not try to kill them over every bad thing that happens.
I realize this is like 2 months later, but I read your posts and wanted to let you know about an online event/community called NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). It’s an annual event/challenge (traditionally in November) to write 50k (or your own goal) words in 1 month, with an explicit quantity > quality approach. I’m an aspiring writer in the same boat as you and participating in NaNoWriMo is the only thing that ever worked to get me putting words on paper, even during college. It provides some structure (daily or weekly goals) without being suffocating, and it adds a bit of a gamification/friendly self-competition element to the experience of writing, but the community itself is really laid-back, casual, and inclusive. There are also sometimes in-person writing get-togethers that can be very helpful to get that extra dopamine boost for writing. If you’ve already tried out this or something similar and it wasn’t for you, no biggie, I just wanted to highlight a potential writing aid that you/others reading might not have heard about.