Lemmy, I have a problem. I fuck up social interactions incredibly frequently, far more often and severely than others do.

I will be speaking what I feel is casually and consistently, and the person I am speaking with will suddenly have a significant change in their demeanor and speech. It both makes me feel bad that they react this way and frustrates me that I made an incorrect interaction.

This doesn’t really occur with people I don’t know well. Rather, it occurs with the people I spend the most time with…my coworkers. I am forced to interact with them all day due to my specific job. With one of them, I would consider them to be my only friend.

I have noticed that they all have specific unspoken “triggers” of speech or behavior that I need to minimize or hide when in front of them. But there are always instances where I cannot recognize a pattern. And even when I can kind of figure out a pattern, I sometimes fail to implement it.

You know the phrase, “think before you speak” right? But how the hell does one apply that to large swaths of conversations that occur all day long? It would be incredibly jarring and odd for me to make large pauses between each and every sentence I make. Is there a better shortcut to this?

Here are some examples of “off limits” speech/behavior patterns that I have noticed among various people:

Coworker 1 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), making a workplace error, anxious body language (this one is particularly difficult)

Coworker 2 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), statements that are too negative, offering to let them leave work early

Coworker 3 - statements that are too negative, mentioning my dad, statements that may give them too much anxiety (sometimes difficult to discern), talking about coworker 1 too much in a negative way (even tho we both think coworker 1 is a removed)

Coworker 3 also has repeatedly told me that I can come to them with issues, but they always get upset if I say something too negative. They seem to occasionally ask me trick questions too like “are you ok?” even though I know I’m not supposed to answer truthfully. I don’t understand this behavior or how to deal with it.

Coworker 4 - talking too much in general about any topic (they would just prefer I shut up tbh unless there is zero work)

Yes, there is some overlap among them, but they still have a lot of differences that are difficult for me to discern.

I mean, I guess the “easiest” solution would to try to never talk again outside of any speech that is immediately necessary to do my job. Coworker 4 essentially does this. But it is tricky to do and a bit depressing. As a human (I think??), I am unfortunately a social creature. And it does get a bit frustrating that I can’t be authentically me.

Would appreciate some guidance. Sorry for the long post and thanks if you stuck around this far!

  • sbv@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    2·
    10 hours ago

    I had considered coworker 3 to be my friend a bit tbh. But that is not supposed to be the case, right? We are not supposed to be friends or anything. I am supposed to find friends elsewhere and not think of them that way, right?

    I can’t tell if this is sarcastic or genuine.

    If it’s genuine: congrats on finding a new friend. Don’t cut them off because an internet rando said something.

    If it’s sarcastic: it’s inappropriate to react to advice that you solicited in that manner. Since I’m being honest, it’s more appropriate to honestly state where you disagree, and why the advice doesn’t work for you. That way I can better understand your situation.

    Coworker 2: Yeah, running a 10 minute mile is easy. Anyone can do it. …

    If someone is full of shit at work, I’d just nod and smile. Unless there’s something to be gained by calling them out, I’d just note that they are uninformed on that topic and move on.

    If people want to discuss serious topics with me then I’m just not supposed to contribute, right??

    Again, I’m not sure if this is sarcastic or genuine. The two question marks, and the “right” make me think it’s sarcastic, but I could be wrong.

    Either way: talk about what you want. However, if you want to keep things civil with your coworkers, it’s easier if you avoid divisive topics.

    • Keep conversation away from your beliefs until you know where the other person stands.

    • Ask questions. People like talking about themselves, so that’s an easy way to keep things moving.

    • Make noncommittal statements.

    • dingus@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      2·
      9 hours ago

      I can’t tell if this is sarcastic or genuine.

      I apologize if anything came off as sarcastic! I am being very serious in my questions. I don’t really understand how any of this works. I have been reading the replies but it’s tricky to respond to them all.

      With the friend thing, there are a lot of philosophies people have about work. Some people believe I shouldn’t speak and should only work all day, while others seem to prefer to chat once in a while. For me, it’s difficult for me to know the most correct way to act in terms of these two philosophies. It seems like a lot of society would like the former…that I should speak minimally and just do my work. I struggle with the former philosophy because you spend most of your waking hours working, so I would like to get some enjoyment out of it. But that is wrong, no? I am supposed to hate my job and just be a good worker bee, no? It’s tricky because humans are social creatures but I know I’m not supposed to feed my needs like that.

      And like the person who I had considered to be a friend. They have a busy life outside of work so it’s wrong to bother them, correct?

      The person who I had considered to be a friend sometimes likes to talk about serious topics. But I am not really sure what to do when that comes up because I at times give the wrong answers. I know a lot about their beliefs. We have different ones and usually that’s perfectly ok and I we don’t really argue or anything. But sometimes I still do it wrong or say something with too much emotion in my voice or something.

      If someone is full of shit at work, I’d just nod and smile. Unless there’s something to be gained by calling them out, I’d just note that they are uninformed on that topic and move on.

      They weren’t actually full of shit…they are just super fit and don’t realize that they are a bit outside the norm.

      So one of the things I’ve noticed is that I slipped up like this because it was in the middle of a flowing conversation. I didn’t stop to realize that I was about to say the wrong thing because we were having a lot of back and forth lighthearted chatting. That’s why I’ve brought up this topic to begin with tbh. If I am not in a flowing conversation, it’s easier for me to pause and think before a response. When I am in a conversation I fuck up. I don’t know anyone who pauses between each sentence even utilizing this “think before you speak” attitude, so I’d like to find out how to implement it in a better way. Idk.

      I do appreciate your time.

      • sbv@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
        1·
        7 hours ago

        Hey, thanks for taking the time to respond. I’m enjoying this because it gives me a chance to understand my own beliefs. And it’s fun to spout off.

        Some people believe I shouldn’t speak and should only work all day, while others seem to prefer to chat once in a while. For me, it’s difficult for me to know the most correct way to act in terms of these two philosophies.

        There’s no correct answer here. You’ve expressed a preference for chatting, so let’s support that.

        We have different [beliefs] and usually that’s perfectly ok and I we don’t really argue or anything. But sometimes I still do it wrong or say something with too much emotion in my voice or something.

        Occasional or friendly disagreement is fine, so long as it doesn’t poison the relationship.

        Could you pause before replying to sort out your feelings? If you’re concerned that you have too much emotion in your voice, that could give you time to notice your emotional state and dial it down. You could even turn the disagreement into more of a joke or quip rather than something heartfelt.

        You can use your pause as part of the conversation. Give a thoughtful “huh” or maybe start with a throw away phrase of “I hadn’t thought about that” and then pause.

        Some people are in a hurry to say their piece - they really wanna get their thought or idea in. In my experience, it’s helpful not to do that. It’s difficult though.