Honestly, a lot of the time ADHD can manifest as depression and anxiety and doctors are way more likely to diagnose you with those because it’s more obvious. All they have to go on is how you tell them you’re feeling and specialists are in short supply. You can’t really “feel” executive dysfunction or persistent task avoidance.

I understand (and probably she does too) that TikToks obviously can’t diagnose a person, but neither can you and even doctors make mistakes out of ignorance. You should apologize and just listen instead of trying to help her figure things out. Women already get under-diagnosed and told they’re imagining things and “not to worry,” so just be a friend.

I might be a bit late to the comment section here, but I figure throwing in another point of view couldn’t hurt. It sounds to me like your friend feels like she was dismissed. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and I know how it feels to be dismissed all too well. She probably has a ton of thoughts and emotions going through her head rn so she probably feels very vulnerable and overwhelmed.

I don’t think the actual diagnosis should be what you focus on at all at this point in time. I think it would be best if you focus on the fact that she thinks there’s a very strong possibility that she does and the emotions something like that might bring out for someone who’s coming to that realization at 34 yo. The biggest question for me when I was diagnosed was “what would my life have been if I were diagnosed as a child?” That’s something I still think about from time to time, but with much less insensitivity than I did at first. I also had some resentment towards the adults in my life who weren’t able to notice the clear symptoms I showed as a kid. There was honestly so much running through my head once I took my AHDH medication and was finally able to function the way I assume neurotypical people are accustomed to. It was extremely overwhelming. If she ends up with an ADHD diagnosis and is prescribed meds then she’s orobably gonna need just as much support after receiving the diagnosis as she does rn.

I don’t think you should bring anything I just mentioned up to her, just thought it might be helpful to give you some perspective. She should have the opportunity to come to any realization she might have in the future on her own or with the help of a trained professional. If I was in her situation, all I’d want from a friend is for them to be there for me and to feel like my thoughts and concerns have been really heard and taken into consideration. You can say something like, “I don’t think I reacted the way I should have when you told me you’re seeking an ADHD diagnosis. If you wanna talk about it with me again then please don’t hesitate to reach out. I promise I’ll be here to just listen to your valid thoughts and concerns in the future. I’m also here for any other type of support you think might make things stressful. Just lemme know how I can be the best possible friend I can be, you deserve it”

I’m assuming you’ll be able to know what you should take from what I just said, what you should tweak, or if you shouldn’t take any of what I just said at all. Just try to keep in mind that she’s probably in a vulnerable place rn and if she’s a very empathetic person in general then I would really try to avoid a formal apology. You wanna keep the focus on her as much as possible, the last thing you wanna do is make her feel a bit guilty for getting frustrated the first time she reached out to you. Some specific words I also try to avoid when offering support to someone are “need” and “help”. I think you should try to make sure she knows without a doubt that you’re offering support (not help) and it’s bc you want to, not bc she needs it. Your goal from here on out should be to validate her emotions and let the professionals do their thing when it comes to the diagnosis.

As for what she said about “good” professionals - all that tells me is that she is one smart cookie. I realized a long time ago that most people aren’t very good at their job. It unfortunately took way too long for me to realize that healthcare professionals are certainly no exeption. I’m also in the states and most of them here are overworked to the point where it’s impossible for them to provide the amount of care their patients deserve. I’ve become really good at spotting red flags on websites and during intake sessions too. Feel free to PM me if you think I could be of any assistance to you and your friend.

As a psychotherapist I’ve found myself working with quite a few people in the last 5yrs going through the process of questioning if they are neurodivergent after social media psychoeducation.

In my experience many professionals are woefully under trained in the area of both trauma and neurodivergence and both would be primary considerations if you friend is resonating with descriptions of experiences and symptoms of ADHD. It is very often overlooked and misdiagnosed or missed as a diagnosis. Additionally many Therapists are trained to stay in the clients frame of reference and would not suggest a diagnosis that would be the job of a psychiatrist (at least here in the UK).

I think this can be a really complicated field to navigate. The way we diagnose mental health divergence in the west is primarily using the ICD or DSM both very problematic for various reasons but most of all because they look at symptoms to diagnose. Generally when diagnosing a physical condition symptoms are key to bringing people into the doctors office but you wouldn’t want chemo because you had trouble breathing… You’d want some further tests to identify if it was lung cancer or a broken rib. Hell even some good additional questioning can drill down to this. Now in saying that a good mental health professional will do this, but many don’t - especially somewhere like America.

The reason this is such an issue is many underlying conditions can present as ADHD - and visa versa. Your friend could have complex or chronic trauma, or any number of personality disorders for example. On the flip side I’ve seen people with probable ADHD be turned away from medical help because psychiatrists have (in my opinion) wrongly presumed it’s trauma.

So to me the thing I tend to focus on more than anything is how does this stuff show up in people’s lives and how can they alieviate the pain. For many seeking a diagnosis and getting medical help will be worth trying. For many other just having a community that struggles with similar issues and supports each other with tools and techniques that help is enough. Whatever it looks like for your friend I’d recommend you ask her what supporting her would look like from her perspective and do your best to be there.

To be clear I don’t think you did anything “wrong”, we all react from our own frame of reference and yours was different then than it is now as you are considering other angles. But I think you are asking the right question and sound like a good friend.

On the topic of these psycho education social media platforms - ultimately, I’m more thankful for the increased awareness and access to tools and techniques that help people than for any false self-diagnosis that undoubtably occurs because of it.

I don’t know where in the world you’re located, but here in Denmark you go to your GP and fill out a 36 question form and they see if you should maybe see someone and you get s referral.

But well done for recognising that you might have hurt her feelings. Having ADHD is so hard, for you can do your very best to try and solve your problems but the progress can feel like it’s slipping away from your hands like sand. Be as supportive you can and listen when shes telling you stuff about why she believes she has ADHD. Also a heartfelt apology goes a long way, even if you’re not sure you’re in the wrong^^

I honestly feel for your friend and hope she gets the help she needs, but I also don’t necessarily disagree with what you told her, although you could have definitely used more tact. There’s been an explosion of people thinking they have ADHD because of TikTok videos, and while some of them may, just because you identify with one symptom does not mean you have it. While not ALL doctors are good doctors you still need one to diagnose you. I don’t mean to sound coarse, it’s just an observation.

Disclosure: I’m an old fuck diagnosed late in life.