Honestly I’m starting to feel like I have nothing to offer. Everyone always asks what I bring to the table. When both people are working what exactly do you want me to bring to the table?
You either find something you like in me (like my mentality, personality, appearance) or you don’t, I don’t get it.
Do you want me to slave away for you or something? Also I’m pretty introverted so I cant offer you social ties or community for the most part. Guess I’m useless.
I genuinely don’t feel like most people are THAT special. Like most people aren’t rocket scientists who also have 59 obscure hobbies and write dissertations in their spare time. Wtf do people want? A positive outlook?
Ok I have a positive outlook to offer you. They’re gonna laugh in my face when I say that. Oh I’m also quirky by the way. Not like the other girls. Teehee.
Honestly anyone asking you what you bring to the table in a relationship is not worth your time.
It should be obvious what you bring to the table, your good looks, your incredible personality, your humour, the way you present yourself.
If they can’t see it for themselves, that’s their loss.
Don’t take it personally, not everyone needs to be a good fit for everyone else, but if they don’t know what you bring to the table, that’s a failure on their part to recognise you, not any problem with you.
Right? Like if you don’t like me you can leave sir, please do actually
Simply, be a person someone would want to spend time with and (probably) be intimate with.
Flip it around, what would you want in a partner? If you can recognize what you care about or don’t, you’ll have a better understanding of someone else doing the same thing.
Obviously everyone is different and there aren’t perfect rules, but make the effort to self reflect.
I’ve never self reflected before, thanks for the tidbit
Who is asking what you bring to the table? I can’t imagine a decent person saying something like that.
Do you want their names and addresses or
…. You okay bro? No one is asking “what do you being to the table.”
Yes, there are basic qualifications people are looking for: hygiene, dependability, a job, minimal debt, personality, just be a good person.
These should come standard.
Um actually they are bro, are you okay?
Some things off the top of my head, which to me seem unrelated to personality: affection, companionship, attention, care, empathy, collaboration, someone in whom to confide, someone with whom to push through hardships, partnership, entertainment.
Beyond that, I started believing that all of that “watch what you bring to the table” stuff is not very helpful. We always bring ourselves to the table, and as long as we’re not horrible people with harmful psychological maladaptations (I’m talking unaddressed trauma, malign narcissistic tendencies, abusive tendencies, unhealthy relationship patterns, etc.) and have respect for all people we meet, potential partner or not, then the rest is up to the other person to decide.
Seriously, just develop yourself as a person as YOU would want to develop. Find and dive into things which interest you, practice the skills which interest you, be someone YOU would find interesting, regardless of what anyone else may think. Add to that a capacity for truly listening to someone, and you’re doing as much as you possibly can. Plus don’t forget, you need to focus on deciding whether or not you like the person as well! Worrying too much about your side of the table will increase the chances of missing some major red flags in your potential partner (ask me how I know…).
In addition, try to do a real check-up with yourself, you may have a lot of positives already which you may not be seeing due to being used to them (our best attempt may oftentimes look like the bare minimum from our own perspective, while it is above and beyond from everyone else’s). And put yourself out there with your interests, be it in person, or online!
affection, companionship, attention, care, empathy, collaboration, someone in whom to confide, someone with whom to push through hardships, partnership, entertainment
Those are just givens? It’s not what I personally bring to the table that’s just what relationships are for. Empathy is part of personality imo though
Unaddressed trauma
This one’s kinda weird, I don’t agree that that would make someone undateable
be someone you find interesting
I used to think this until I realized no one is that special. I’m only interesting to someone who might be interested. And that’s normal, you can’t always be interesting to everyone.
put yourself out there with your interests
I have too many interests and too little time. Honestly I guess I’m just not in a place to date right now. Still doesn’t stop me from getting irritated about it, and people’s grim questions.
I mean I’m doing a lot of stuff but like, none of them are particularly interesting to the average person I would say. For example, any time I’d share something with my ex he would tell me to get over myself and that I have “main character syndrome” meaning I think I’m more important than I am, and that I don’t really matter much. I kind of agree. Nobody really matters much. I like sharing my feelings and thoughts and ideas, but I’m starting to realize no one really cares about them. Which is why I think I’m better off alone. Maybe I just am an uninteresting stupid person.
Exactly! They are givens and that’s my point! Most people, I think, don’t seek relationships based on a grocery list of things/gestures they should receive from their potential partner - in the words of Jefferson Airplane, they just “want somebody to love.” The biggest problem I find with dating nowadays is that it’s being approached and treated as a business deal while forgetting about the purely emotional and interpersonal aspects.
In regards to unaddressed trauma, fair, I did not provide enough nuance. I mean serious trauma which causes serious issues, which has not been addressed in any way, or even been avoided. And I think at least knowing one’s traumas is included in addressing them, otherwise even the most minor element may end up biting you in the ass. I dated someone who had been in a relationship with a very possessive and controlling person, to the point where their former partner had installed GPS tracking apps on their phone to monitor their comings and goings. This had been unaddressed, and by the time I showed up (a person who genuinely loves their partners going out and having fun with friends because that means I get some alone time), that unaddressed trauma turned into pure suspicion and certainty that I was just as controlling as their ex. Communication became entirely one-sided, with none of my words or actions being believed or trusted, so the only possible choice was breaking it off (which I did).
That’s why I stressed that you should be interesting to yourself first and foremost, by which I mean follow your passions. Always saw yourself as that one person who whips out a guitar from interdimensional space and starts playing Wonderwall? Do it! Don’t even think about what others may think, just be the transdimensional guitar person!
That makes sense, and it can be frustrating. The pangs of want can just be waited out. The outside questions are more of an issue, because most people really don’t understand that they should’ve stopped talking two sentences ago…
As for how interesting your stuff may be to the average person, you have no solid basis on which to draw that conclusion. You don’t know The Average Person’s mind and their preferences, people have all sorts of details they don’t share publicly at all times. Plus, again, I’d say it’s the wrong way to go about it. Focusing on who you think others would want you to be leaves zero space for you to be who you would want yourself to be, and the latter is far more vital than the former. And I think this also ties into that observation you’ve received, although in the sense that you worry too much about what other people may think of you and your life, and not enough of what you think of them and their life, or yourself and yours. Plus an uninteresting and stupid person would not go this in-depth with the insights and analyses, if you’ll allow me this small observation.
Reframe the questions: what would you like in a partner, what do you want to get out of a relationship, what is the ideal relationship for you, etc. Then, the more you reframe this and the more you answer these questions, you’ll (hopefully) start noticing that general outlines matter much more than in-depth, itemised lists.
Depends on the relationship. Relationships are tough. There need to be enough shared interests yet each part needs to be able to compliment the other parts strengths and weaknesses. The whole reason folks can’t just be with anyone is there is just a certain mixture that will work and some that won’t. What you might offer in one relationship may be different in another and vice versa.
I think you need to learn to appreciate yourself. Try to make a list of positive things about yourself. It may be hard at first, but you’ve already made a good start with positive outlook and quirkiness. Go on, list anything that can be seen in a positive light. If you do this more than once, you’ll end up with a long list of things you can bring to the table and perhaps with a better feeling about yourself.
I mean I’m fine with myself but I’m not about to try to convince someone to date me. If they need to be convinced I don’t want them
I mean, what do you enjoy in others? Do you have those qualities yourself or have something complimentary?
You were the one who blocked me, right? Don’t wanna offer advice to someone who doesn’t want it :) gotta write that shit down or something
