I have three with one on the way. It’s a constant struggle to keep the place livable. Before I had children I was not a neat person and kept things livable by not doing things that made mess and staying out as much as possible. Can’t do that with kids, so what’s the trick?
That’s the neat part, you don’t. I have three kids myself and have to act like a drill instructor at times. Food and toys are the biggest issues for me.
- I have to set rules and stay on their asses constantly, even then it’s a struggle. Biggest one is kids must eat at the dinner table, no exceptions, they’re just terrible with food and can’t be trusted.
- I’ve tried to mostly lay out my furniture such that nothing is against the walls. Kids love throwing shit behind stuff where you’ll never see it. Leaving a buffer space from the walls at least makes it easier to spot.
- Check underneath stuff often, they like sneaking food and hiding it, where it will rot and get gross.
- Telling them to clean up themselves gives mixed results, but we still try to do it often to make it a learned behavior. My sons don’t like cleaning and do a piss-poor job of it, my daughter actually likes cleaning/organizing and helps out.
- I have a bunch of storage bench/seats around for loose toys, so no matter which room we’re in, toys have a place to go, plus you can sit on them when they’re closed. We don’t have a basement, so I had to adjust to not being able just toss stuff in a basement.
- Kids can spot hypocrisy. Keep your own bedroom clean before you expect them to keep themselves clean. Lead by example.
- Once a year or so, throw out or donate old toys that nobody plays with. That stuff builds up and it’s just cluttering your house.
That’s a pretty solid list.
We’re firm on the “food stays in the dining room” thing. We also have toy free zones in the kitchen, dining room, and living room.
My sons don’t like cleaning and do a piss-poor job of it, my daughter actually likes cleaning/organizing and helps out.
Is this actually true, or is she just more compliant?
Hahaha lol. You can’t. Just accept that your house will never be tidy again. As my father-in-law told me, “the first fifty years are the worst”.
Cleaning the house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk while it’s still snowing
We had a joint bday for my three year old and his friend who are three days apart. The absolute fucking chaos that was my house afterward, it was too much to handle. Clean the perishables, but just the mountain of toys, literally every toy we had, strewn about, that became a tomorrow problem. Especially because we did the family birthday the next day. Tough weekend. But the kids have fun and what the hell else am I doing.
The only way we’ve kept our place livable is to get the kids to clean at an early age. If they can get a toy out, they can put it back. We started out doing most of it alongside them and giving lots of praise for every toy they move in the right direction. Then half of it alongside them while encouraging them. Now we have little helpers who will put piles of books and toys away to watch a movie, and routines of clearing the living room floor before dinner. Things aren’t spotless, their play room is more piles of sorted toys than really clean and cleared, but the place is livable.
This is totally it, making sure your kids know how to clean up is #1, and then tying the work to positive reinforcement, eg “You can play video games after all the Legos are picked up,” or “We can watch TV after you put away your laundry.” The key is consistency and follow through. If you don’t follow through, your kids aren’t going to either.
Also key is applying these rules dispassionately. No matter how your kids emotionally react to a rule imposition, you remain calm. If you react with anger, frustration, or irritation, you risk throwing everything off course
Short answer: we don’t.
Long answer: clean up your shit, or your friend will not come over / your allowance this month will be going to my pocket. Do you want to eat? Help clean out the kitchen/dining table. I did place their plate of dinner food over the one from lunch that they didn’t put away. They didn’t like that.
It also varies a lot from kid to kid in my family. One of them is a crafter and a hoarder. Carton boxes, glue, scissors, pieces of paper, colored beads all over the room. Once in a while I tell her to clean up, and anything she doesn’t, I will scoop up and throw away. Her sister has a spotless room… nothing to complain about. Their brother, every couple of days he will have a new videogame ask, or a new Minecraft server I should set up for him and his friends… Again, I will do so, when I see all the cans, plates of food and clothes on the floor put away.
I second this. We have a very similar situation. I will note that I’ve begun using a “carrot” approach as well as the stick. I now keep relatively cheap and fun crafts and electronics around. Cleaning a room and helping out will earn them a fun craft and that seems to work REALLY well lately. If you know how to solder you can buy a bunch of cheap but fun kits that you can do with them and reward them with as prizes. Today’s (if they are compliant and helpful) is an FM radio. I do bigger ones if they do more, and I expect more on a weekend.
Best rule is to tell them toys that are left out are in timeout for a predetermined amount of time. Not necessarily forever. But not necessarily not forever if it continues to be a problem. Have a place for things that everyone is aware of and have them work together to do a sweep every night or morning before the games begin.
This way there is cooperation and accountabillity. Do not give in when it has to be enforced
CONSTANT maintenance, and regularly weekly scheduled cleaning of each room (living room on Monday, kitchen on Tuesday, etc)
It is SO much easier to clean for 20 minutes aggregate each day than it is to clean for an hour every few days. And you’re less likely to push it off when it’s one simple task at a time instead of a whole house of cleaning.
Start out with one GIANT clean. Like, big-time, deep scrub, pay a cleaning service if you have to
Forever after that, do not let even the smallest mess survive long enough for another mess to be created
Dirty dishes? DIRECTLY into the dishwasher, turn it on as soon as it hits 3/4ths full so you’re not playing dishwasher Tetris while extra dishes spill over into the sink
Kids’ toys and grossness starting to build up in one room? Time for a family tag-team cleaning event! Put on the song you’ve decide is “the cleaning song”, And everyone pitches in to get it done quick
These are important skills to teach your kids too. It will help them from feeling like you one day. So make sure they are aware and involved in the cleanup effort before they are allowed to do the things that make additional messes
This is not easy! It will be hard and will cause some sacrifices to be made. Like, if there is a mess that hasn’t been cleaned up as expected and you’re on her way to a movie? Sucks to suck. Clean first, then hope you at least only miss the previews
This ties into other parts of our psychology like delayed gratification, respect for others’ things and shared spaces, community responsibility, how your actions impact others…
Get them involved ASAP, NOT EVER as a punishment but as an inevitable responsibility. “This is what we do when we make a mess. Why? Because it is kind to others and kind to our future selves”
Lastly, this is a skill you build up over time. It’s not going to magically be completely fixed by This One Simple Trick That Dust Bunnies Hate™. Practice practice practice. And that applies to the kids too. One of them too young to really help clean? Give them a tiny task (can you carry that empty cardboard box from over there to over here? Good job! Thanks for helping) that makes them feel like they are participating so that “cleaning up after ourselves” is just how things are done in their world
You’ve got a great teaching opportunity for your kids here (and maybe even a hypothetical partner). I wish you the best of luck. This is by far one of the biggest challenges parenthood brings to the table. Know that you’re not alone in the struggle.
It really depends on your level of tolerance. I recommend really developing tolerance for “things out of place” and learn not to confuse that with “dirty house.”
Put some baskets out to round up toys. Involve your children in picking up. If they are old enough to pick a toy up, they’re old enough to put it in the basket. But remember, toys strewn about are the sign of children who love to play, so don’t let it stress you!
Do what my mom recommended: Give your house a lick and a promise! Keep floors and surfaces reasonably clear, dust at eye level and down when you have time, dust mop the floors as often as you can. Keep Lysol wipes in the bathroom and wipe the lavatory, counters and toilet daily. Those are the areas your children will come in contact with daily, so those are the areas you try to get to. Wash dishes as you go and let them drip dry…I frequently used drip dried dishes without them ever getting put away between meals! And don’t stress! Kids really read our moods and it’s better they have a relaxed happy momma than a spotless house.
As your kids get older, normalize their participation in keeping their living space clean.
Here is the most important and vital advice I have to give: People before things. People, even little ones, always come first. Tend to your babies and enjoy them and their little messes! I am 71 so my children are grown. They do not talk about how our ceiling fans were dusty. They talk about how I would get down on the floor and play with them, how I read to them, how I let them use couch cushions, tables, chairs and blankets to build forts.
You’re in the thick of it right now, so it probably feels like this stage of your life will last forever. The days are long, but the years are short. They will be grown in a blink of your eye, so don’t miss their childhood. That ceiling fan can wait!
“you don’t” – my father.
Learn to redefine “clean”. You’re not living in a museum. Things don’t need to be pristine and dust free.
I picked a day of the week, in my case Saturday, and chose one area of the house to concentrate on. Dishes, laundry, and any other “infinite work” chores can become overwhelming quickly if they’re not kept up on, so there are frequently days where that’s the only house work that gets done.
The unpopular truth here is that if you value cleanliness enough for this to bother you, you probably should have considered this well before your third kid. Just do yourself a favor and never, ever resent your kids for their messes. I hope you find a way that works for you and maximizes your relationships with your children!
Minimize the amount of things (as much as you can), designate specific areas/rooms for the piles of toys/ games where you can let things get messier and get rid of the ones nobody plays with that just take up space, get the kids into the habit of putting things back (if possible you can even have the oldest eventually ‘supervise’ the others as long as that doesn’t lead to even worse fighting), or just pick a weekend day that you just put everything back together so at least you know you can get it back to normal and feel less bad about it when it’s a horrible mess on a Thursday evening.
Also paper/plastic plates and utensils when it’s all just too much. Not great for the environment but the lack of a pile of dishes may be worth a lot of mental health.
My late mother’s method was to put her children to work. From an early age we did almost all the housework - dusting, vacuuming, polishing brass, ironing, dishwashing, and helping with laundry. We hated it, but the house was always clean and tidy.
I don’t have kids, so I live in mild squalor.
Like everyone is saying here, for literal cleaning (mopping, toilets, dusting, baseboards, etc.) GET HELP if you can possibly afford it, your unpaid job is mom, you can’t add cleaning person to that.
For straightening get bins and give up on organizing. A bin for each kid in living room for whatever, clean clothes bin and dirty clothes bin for each kid in bedrooms, teach your kids to do laundry (my mom said anyone who can reach the knobs on the washer with a stool can learn).
Like you, I struggle with organizing and cleaning. The only way I can keep things neat is by not owning much, and yes when you have more people not much x5 or x6 is still much.
Realize nobody will judge you for a kinda messy house when you have little kids, or if they do they are delusional assholes or have wrong priorities. Neat house is not a priority, kids are.
You have to get it CLEAN and decluttered first, this took us about 3 days. Then its being religious about doing the daily work to stop the backslide.
I also pretty much abandoned my hobbies. I threw away so much crap that I “might need” or “comes in handy” or “Ill get to it one day” too… now I have a gym bag and a pc but I also come home to a house that doesnt immediately stress me out just opening the door. I can get the kid to bed and watch tv without feeling like I’m neglecting things.
“That’s the neat part!”
Well, I wait until they’re in bed at about 10:30PM, then I have until about midnight to get the kitchen clean and get 6 hours of sleep before they wake up again to go to school.
Alternatively, I clean the kitchen before cooking and serve dinner at 8PM when I started at 5:30. Then it’s only 30 mins of cleaning before bed.
On Saturdays, you can clean up the kitchen after breakfast, and by the time it’s done you have to cook lunch. After that, there’s still an hour before the shops shut so you can grab some groceries and get back in time to cook dinner.
Dad of two kids and two shedding dogs here. Following because I, too, could use some advice. Thanks for asking the question.
