Office happy hours, client dinners and other after-hours work gatherings lose their luster as more people feel the pull of home
Patience for after-hours work socializing is wearing thin.
After an initial burst of postpandemic happy hours, rubber chicken dinners and mandatory office merriment, many employees are adopting a stricter 5:01-and-I’m-done attitude to their work schedules. More U.S. workers say they’re trying to draw thicker lines between work and the rest of life, and that often means clocking out and eschewing invites to socialize with co-workers. Corporate event planners say they’re already facing pushback for fall activities and any work-related functions that take place on weekends.
Honestly we need to move back towards making friends in our communities and not our workplace. I don’t know how it happened but the way we’ve managed to only have friends from work while not knowing the name of our neighbor should never have been the norm. Of course this works out perfect for the nolifers who always get the promotions, and the bosses who need their asses kissed to function.
Because “3rd places” have been hollowed out, especially non monetized ones, there’s fewer places to just meet people
Yeah, it’s overwhelmingly clear that too many people who can make decisions have this idea that “not revenue generating” = worthless.
But muh passive incooooommmeeee
With 3rd places needing to be profitable, it puts a really big stress on them getting throughput. So then that turns them into bars, restaurants, pool halls, or arcades. If they don’t they don’t make money and they can’t keep the space they are renting.
3rd places were always monetized.
Parks and community centers were valid non-monititzed 3rd places.
And whether or not you agree with them, places of worship were often an additional third place.
Parks and community spaces are presently non-monetized and usage has not changed, so it doesn’t really make sense to include them in this discussion.
Same with place of worship.
There are a lot of gated parks
We created a car-centric sprawled out world where you no longer engage with community members face to face, as much of your time outside of your house is simply walking to your car to drive to the nearest commercial center.
I’ve been talking with a friend about this after he pointed out the nuclear family really is fairly recent as a post WW2 thing. We’ve seen multigenerational households increase in the wake of the pandemic. Part of me thinks we’re going to see a movement back to that.
If people stay closer to home, that means friends from growing up are closer. They aren’t spread out across the whole country.
This is one of the most sadest and poignant things I’ve read in a long time. Spot on.
ITT: I don’t want to ever socialize with my co-workers Also: How do you make friends as an adult?
Look I’m not a huge fan of forced socialization myself. I HATE small talk. I’m looking for the door before I have the first drink in my hand at “networking events”. But I also know one of the biggest opportunities I have to meet new people as an adult is at at work. So I choose the situation carefully to make sure it’s one I’m comfortable with and I give it a go. I’ve made a few lasting friends, people I play soccer with, people I invite over my house, people who my other friends got tight with, and over all growing my social group. A number of them don’t even work for the same company anymore, or in my immediate office at least.
I’m not saying to do anything you don’t want to do, and forced fun can suck, but if you DO want to meet people in life and make friends, don’t force-limit your opportunities to interact with new people. Pick, or even suggest!, the situation that works for you.
Unless you have a hobby where you interact with people outside of work, your co-workers are your friends that you make as an adult. Some people I’m good friends with started as co-workers because I got to know them, we move on in different directions and stay in touch.
You will only ever make friends from pooled social gatherings (whether hobby, online, etc.), the most common one available for adults with the least effort are other co-workers.
All of my close friends were coworkers at one point. A few were friends first but most were not. It helps that my jobs have always been tech related so there’s always something to talk about. Even if it’s just commiserating on tech debt lol.
I tried making friends when my coworkers when I started my job and learned I have very little in common with any of them. It’s not like I didn’t try. Now that I know we can’t be friends, I don’t want to spend any more time with them than I have to. Is that so hard to understand?
Nope, not hard to understand. But that’s a different context than people’s blanket, “No”.
I can very much relate to being in a work environment where I there was no one I’d choose to interact with outside of professional conversation or idle water-cooler talk; if even that!
I’ve also been lucky enough to be in other ones where I’ve made great friends that I’ve had over for game nights, taken road trips with, invited to my house, been to their wedding (and they mine), and gone to shows with.
All I’m suggesting is to be open to it.
I admit it’s hard for me to make friends, but I’m not going to force a friendship with people with whom I have very little in common aside from working in the same office.
Yup, 100% with you there. I’m just saying that friendship can start with that one thing in common and grow. Or fizzle out when you quickly figure out it’s the only thing in common.
As another responder said, work is potentially your largest adult social pool to source from. Don’t dismiss it. But of course don’t feel obligated either.
My experience with work “friends” has always gone this way:
- I try to be friendly and approachable.
- People start asking you consistently for favors, help, and to stick up for them and their issues. I also find that the more they know about you, the easier it is to ask for shit (“hey I remember you said/are/live around/have X, so I was wondering if you could do Y for me”)
- Once that happens it’s impossible to shake them off without sounding like an asshole.
The only solution I see to this curse is to just avoid getting cornered in that situation. I avoid most socializing because of that.
Now add to this the fact I’m severely underpaid compared to the rest of the team (who do the same thing I do), that I got a promotion with no raise, and than my duties consistently increase, then it would be clear why I only do what’s needed for the job.
Always hated this expectation.
Particularly outrageous scenario 20 years ago, I was just getting started and was basically a limited hour part time employee making a bit more than minimum wage, but the office culture was dominated by people well into six figure salary. So they would act all shocked when us lowly folks would tend to decline when they said everyone needed to go to a $100 a plate for an after-work dinner (of course the company wouldn’t pay for any of this, but who doesn’t have the spare money to piss away $100 for a plate of food with colleagues every couple of weeks?)
When this was me, I’d always respond with, “I’m in if you’re buying. Otherwise, it’s not for me.”
Every now and then I scored a free meal and a networking opp.
Honestly I never did this in the past 20 years of work. Maybe a few office parties outside of work hours. But the whole “Have your boss or subordinate over for dinner” BS was never my thing.
TBH I truly think it was a boomer invention that died in the 80s, because nobody I know ever did anything like this willingly.
This is about happy hours and networking events. Lots of people did that.
Ah that’s fair.
Yeah had a few of those. They were always carefully written as “optional” but it was definitely a Convo piece of you didn’t show up.
I typically showed face for an hour or two, had one beer, sucked up and left. Which is what I’m assuming everyone else did too
I fought my boss over one of those voluntary gatherings. I had shit to do. He said it’s optional but if I want to get ahead I should go.
I did not get ahead.
But the whole “Have your boss or subordinate over for dinner” BS was never my thing.
TBH I truly think it was a boomer invention that died in the 80s, because nobody I know ever did anything like this willingly.
That was for a different time and era when company loyalty was a thing. When you intended to work for a company for decades, forming relationships with your boss actually meant something.
Nowadays employees are just disposable assets, so why bother forming deep bonds with your coworkers?
And back when your boss might actually also be the owner of the company - especially through the 50s and 60s, the person you worked for in the factory very likely could OWN that factory, and so having a decent relationship with them made it easier to approach them with modifications that might make a worker’s day easier, without the hostility of a strike.
Now, since every company is basically owned by some conglomerate, looking to sell to some conglomerate, or is about to get swallowed by some conglomerate, things like “labor relations” are dead. You can’t talk directly to your boss about maybe making sure the factory line has proper guards in place, because the guy who he has to talk to in order to make that decision is having brunch in Paris or meeting with some world leader today. Even if they could, the company bean counters already ran a cost-benefit analysis that showed that the loss of limbs and the payouts and fines they’d deal with for having no guards in place would only be 34% of the profit they’d make from increased production capability or whatever.
The day I was hired at my current job, my boss’s boss “made” me promise I’d work there for a decade lol
Not every job sees you as disposable. Leave those jobs until you find one that appreciates you. I’ve found 2 (out of my last 4) in a decade, but they’re out there.
My work does a decent job of doing the event during working hours or at the very least starting within work hours. So a work event starts at 3PM, people can bail at 5PM or stay longer if they want.
Fuck work. They gotta bribe me to be there, I’m putting in minimal time and effort. Fuck all that bullshit.
It really depends on the work you’re doing I guess. Can you imagine if a neurosurgeon who gonna operate on you (hypothetically) think like that?
I’d rather be cut into by a neurosurgeon who does it because he’s paid than one who does it because it’s fun…
By putting minimal time and effort? Good luck coming out of the surgery intact…
I don’t really even want to talk to my co-workers during work hours. It’s not that I dislike them, it’s just that I don’t care. I’m not interested in making friends, I am there to get paid. Just let me get my shit over with and let me go home. Thankfully, my work allows me to wear noise-cancelling earbuds the entire time I’m in the office unless someone can’t contact me over Slack for some reason.
I’m glad other people feel the same way. Sometimes i like the people i work with. But then they ask me after work if i want to go for a drink or whatever. No… why?
I’m glad I have a hybrid schedule (although WFH is the dream) so I only have to deal with inane prattle half the time and the earbuds mostly solve that problem.
I got you beat! One of my coworkers made eye contact with me while I was at my desk. I slid my monitor to the left to cover my face
I like my coworkers, just don’t like being in the office, even if it’s just an occasional thing
Hear, hear.
Also wages are shit compared to inflation. I don’t know how anyone can afford to eat out and have drinks unless they are killing it.
In my case one of the bosses pays for the drinks. Makes it a lot easier.
Ah yes I can decide between spending time with my wife and children or hanging out with coworker talking about work I’ve just been in for 8 hours. What a hard choice
This and this other comment are stark opposites of life.
Poor guy - I only work for the money - if I’d have enough money I would only spend time with my wife ane children and family and friends.
I absolutely love spending time with my kids, don’t get me wrong.
They’re seeing the abuse and it’s terrifying. Luckily she sleeps in until about 2pm on weekends, so I use those mornings (including this morning) to take them to the park and spend time with them.
I’ve been trying to leave but she keeps threatening to take them away. I don’t know what to do. I’m going to call a divorce lawyer on Monday.
I do absolutely everything for my kids. I cook dinner every night, I bathe them every night, I get them ready and take them to school every morning. I am a man so I’m terrified the court will rule in her favor and she’ll take them away.
At night I’m reminded of how horrible of a person and father I am. I’m so tired of it.
Edit: I also absolutely love my job. I work on photocopiers. I feel like I help the community and make people happy. My job almost feels like a hobby to me. I am high functioning autistic and my obsession is anything mechanical, so it’s the perfect job for me.
Mate you need evidence - collect a lot of evidence. Video and audio recording - messages - witnesses - everything you can get.
Hope you make it!
I am happy with my job. I am paid a fair wage for the work I do. I am given a ton of leeway with arriving late/leaving early to accommodate my kids and their various goings on. All in all, it’s a great arrangement.
I am still out the door at the very minute my shift ends. Not a second later.
Yep!
I also drive a little bit faster headed home lol
Towards the “mines”? Not so much.
You doing 1 minute overtime? Why?
Logging off and packing up is your time not the companies! /s
(I jest but it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s policy in some places)
I’m happy to pack up on my time and work right up to the buzzer…
…if that means on the other end, the clock starts when I start my commute.
Because that’s crazy talk to any employer, I’ll prepare to leave on company time.
Back in the day of time cards, that was more or less how it worked (minus the commute part) the machine was either at the front door or in the break room, and you’d punch in, then go to your station, set up and start. End of day, you’d pack up, then punch out on your way out the door.
Many of the companies I’ve worked for had policies that required you to put on your PPE, gather your tools, and be at your station at the time your scheduled to start. This takes approximately 15-20 minutes. And no, we weren’t allowed to leave until relieved by the next person.
Prep time should count as work time, it has anywhere I’ve worked.
And I believe a couple of the companies I’ve worked for have been sued, which is why they pay for prep time. But not all the companies in my industry (oil and gas) do.
Eh I don’t mind a schmooze.
More than once a month? No. Weekends? No. Mandatory? Hell no, but I think that a bit of camaraderie goes a long, long way when dealing with iffy clients or just generally.
I don’t think work is “family” but it should definitely be a team. That’s just good for everyone. Raising a pint every so often definitely helps that along.
Having happy hours can be a blast if you get along well with your coworkers, and I do miss the holiday parties from previous companies.
But I’ll gladly take being at home over anything else
On one hand, I’m a bit bummed out that my generally positive workplace culture has all but completely evaporated in the wake of the pandemic and nobody wants to even come in to the office anymore, let alone mingle or hang out after work. I genuinely enjoyed the company of a few of my co-workers and even though I was definitely a 5:01-and-done kind of guy, I would still make an effort to be friends with the ones that I liked outside of a professional setting.
On the other hand, I absolutely cannot blame anybody for not wanting to put in the social effort. For a long time I was a “fuck it, it’s quittin’ time, I’m out of here!” person and I would blow out of the office after flatly rejecting my co-workers requests to hang after work because I just didn’t like to socialize that much back then, and I would resent people who were pushy about going out for drinks or staying out really late at night. Despite the fact that I do enjoy doing those things now that I’m older, I don’t want to be “that guy” to anyone else, and I refrain from judging anybody for declining to socialize after work. Maybe they are introverted and shy? Maybe they don’t want to catch COVID? Maybe they have a kid to go home to? Maybe they just don’t like my company and they want to go home and read a book or something? Whatever it is, it’s none of my business, so more power to those people.
I kind of have similar vibes. I joined a company months after acquisition with a long 2 year migration to joining the mothership standards. During that time beers were opened at 4pm on Thursdays for team knowledge share sessions that carried over into happy hours that had a company tab for the first round. In this environment ive made lifelong friends, served as groomsmen and pallbearers for colleagues that I befriended, but also accelerated my career by making professional relationships with folks beyond the sphere of my immediate work duty relationships.I do think there was a “terroir” of conditions that made it work. I don’t think it can easily be replicated. But it kind of bums me out that the current work culture described in the post basically blocks this from ever happening again. I don’t think I’ll be able to informally provide the mentorship and guidance that I so greatly benefited from when I was young and new to the now new generation, or cultivate friendships like I used to.
My company is similar (although there’s still people trying to organise things) but while things changed over the pandemic, they were already planning on full hot desking and reduced floor space (lucky for them they’d just implemented the infrastructure for large scale WFH as the lockdown began). The sense of a “Team” has completely gone, the majority of people I work with are based in other parts of the country or even overseas, going to a social event at my local office would just be mingling with people I don’t know, don’t work with, and only have the name at the top of our paychecks in common. So I don’t bother, and they wonder why.
Nobody wants to spend time with the kind of people who don’t want to go home after work.
We all know the type with their overly loud laughing at the bosses jokes.
Depends on the work environment. Where I work I’m more than happy to hang out with my co workers after work, but that’s because management doesn’t shove a stick up everyone’s ass, nor do we hire that type of people.
Mandatory office happy hours or team dinners should be paid time. If not, events should be held during work day hours.
NLRB would likely agree. If your employer compels you to be present, they need to pay you.
